Quoth the Raven
by Mnemosyne's Elegy
Summary: In which Natsu somehow gets stuck dealing with a very vexatious raven that refuses to shut the hell up. Round two: A fish enters the harbor, and Gray is not impressed.
1. The Raven

**Note: There's actually a story behind this... _story_ , but because I'm a little brat, I'm going to leave it for the end ;) I know what you're thinking: "Two humor pieces posted in such quick succession? Has Mnemosyne's Elegy/Mnemosyne/Elegy/M.E./hey-you-author-girl-with-the-unpronounceable-pen-name been abducted by aliens?!" No, friends, I have not. Don't worry too much about the aliens unless some kind of Gruvia nonsense gets posted to my account X) For now, I'm still safely on Earth.**

* * *

 **The Raven**

* * *

Natsu knew it was going to be a rough day when he woke to find the raven perched on his windowsill. He stared for a moment, then turned over and pulled the pillow over his head. It was too early for shit like this.

"Time to get up."

"No," Natsu groaned. "I don't know what you're doing here or what you want from me, but go away."

Maybe this was just a product of his sleep-addled mind? Or maybe, if he was lucky, he was still dreaming.

"Come on. It's bright and early, the sun is shining, and it's time to get up. The early bird catches the worm and all that."

If so, it was rapidly shaping up to turn into a horrific nightmare.

"What are you, a damn rooster?"

"Whoa, whoa," the raven squawked indignantly. "A _rooster_? Uh-uh. How insulting. I'm way better than a rooster. Hmpf. _Rooster._ "

"You're loud enough to be one. Why the hell are you waking me up at the crack of dawn? Go away. It's too early to deal with you right now."

"If you don't get up then unpleasant things will happen. Leaving your home undefended means that I could sneak over to your kitchen and eat everything. Do you have food? I'm starving."

"Stay away from my food," Natsu mumbled.

He wished he could have a _quieter_ , less _annoying_ nightmare. If he ignored this and fell back asleep, then maybe the chatterbox in the window would get bored and leave him alone so that he could dream about something cool. Like dragons.

The raven huffed. "You're so uncooperative. Don't you even want to know why I'm here?"

"No."

"You can be so frustrating. You make me want to scratch your eyes out or something."

"Well. That got violent quickly. Now can you shut up and go away? I'm trying to sleep."

"Hm. Sorry, afraid I can't do that. It's not worth my life. But hey, you want a rooster? I'll sing for you if you don't hurry up and get out of bed."

" _Can_ you sing?" Natsu asked skeptically, wondering if that was even possible.

"Want to find out?" the raven asked cheerfully, drawing in a deep breath.

Natsu was on his feet instantly, already charging for the window. "Shit, don't _do_ that!"

The raven cackled gleefully and preened, beady eyes glittering smugly. Natsu scowled. It really was too early for weird crap like this. He flapped his hands in a shooing motion.

"Go away."

The raven gave him a disbelieving look and hopped off the windowsill into the room. "You really think you can get rid of me that easily?"

"It was worth a shot," Natsu grumbled irritably. Slamming the window shut so that nothing _else_ could get in, he rounded on the intruder with a scowl. "What the hell are you doing in my house?"

" _That's_ what you find strangest about this situation?"

"Um, yeah? I was raised by a dragon, have oddball friends with the most strange and _annoying_ habits, and live with a talking cat. Not much fazes me anymore—you'll have to try harder than that."

"Well, I actually meant that it shouldn't be a surprise that I'm _in_ your house, given that you pretty much corralled me in here, but whatever," the raven said. Awesome. It was too early to deal with smartasses. "But speaking of which, where _is_ said talking cat?"

Natsu blinked uncomprehendingly for a moment, his tired mind sorting that out, and then spun around in a slow circle as he searched the room for his feline companion. Happy wasn't in his normal nest of blankets, and there was no telltale patch of blue fur to be seen anywhere.

"He's…uh… Looks like he's already up. Probably off getting breakfast." Natsu scowled as he added, "Too bad, otherwise I could sic him on you."

Not that Happy would really be much use in this situation, but Natsu could use some backup.

"Ooh, _now_ who's getting violent?"

Natsu groaned. "I must have done something really terrible in a past life to get stuck dealing with you."

"Maybe I'm the spirit of someone you wronged, come back to haunt you in a different form," the raven said cheerily, dark eyes shining with barely-concealed amusement.

"I need a damn exorcism, then," Natsu growled.

He stomped over to a massive pile of clothes on the floor and began sifting through it, searching for something that wasn't _too_ dirty to wear. He wasn't going to chase the interloper out into the streets unless he was fully clothed. He still had _some_ measure of dignity.

"You wound me," the raven said with a dramatic sigh, hopping up onto the bed to watch the dragon slayer with eyes that were much too smug. "Whatever will I do?"

"Go away?" Natsu suggested hopefully.

"Nice try, but no. I'm afraid you'll be stuck with me forever. I think I quite like this whole haunting business."

"…What did I ever do to deserve this?"

"Are you sure you really want me to answer that?"

"No. Please don't."

"Well, you see, that time when you–"

"You're so annoying," Natsu snapped, before yawning widely. He just wanted to go back to sleep and pretend that this surreal encounter wasn't happening.

"Well, you know what they say about how birds of a feather flock together…"

"Shut up."

"Sorry, can't do that. Don't you want to know why I'm here? In your place, I think that would be my first question."

"I don't honestly care why you're here," Natsu grumbled, yanking his vest on. "All I want is for you to go away."

"Aw, you're so grumpy in the morning," the raven cooed. "A little birdie told me that it might be a challenge to get you up and moving. But I'm pretty sure I can manage. I mean, I already got you out of bed, which is an accomplishment in and of itself."

Natsu glowered. Would wringing this stupid pest's neck be considered murder? Because that was sounding like a really tempting option right now.

"Stupid birdbrain," he muttered.

"Wow, there's a new one. How creative. No, really, how did you even come up with that?"

Okay, that was the last straw. Natsu rounded on his uninvited houseguest, eyes blazing.

"You are the most infuriating, insufferable nuisance I have ever met! How dare you wake me up so early and invade my house and harass me? And _ugh_ , why won't you shut up? Just go away!"

The raven sat quietly as Natsu ranted and raved, and after several minutes the dragon slayer finally trailed off, his mouth quirking into a frown as his suspicions were aroused. The raven just looked too damn smug, sly eyes glittering triumphantly, and Natsu suddenly got the feeling that he was being played.

"What are you so happy about?" he demanded.

That was the moment Happy finally decided to reappear. He flew over to perch on the bed beside the raven, like they were freaking best friends or something. Traitor.

"Where have _you_ been?" Natsu asked him, crossing his arms over his chest.

Happy gave him a funny look. "I got up early because Erza wanted to go on that job this morning, and I didn't want to sleep in and have her kill me. But when I came back from eating you were busy, so I decided to wait. But it's been a long time now and we're super late, and we really need to get going."

Natsu stared at him, his mind grinding to a halt. His sleep-addled brain dredged up a memory from the previous day, of Erza telling the team in no uncertain terms that they were all to be at the train station at six o'clock sharp or heads would roll. Spinning around, he looked at the clock and felt his heart drop. 6:22. Erza was going to murder them.

Then another thought struck him, and his head jerked around so that he could gape at the raven. "The reason you're here… She sent you to get me and you didn't just _say_ that?"

"She's going to kill you!" the raven crowed triumphantly.

" _I'm_ going to kill _you_!" Natsu cried, lunging for the bed. "What the hell, Gray? Seriously?"

Gray laughed and jumped off the bed, eyes sparkling and raven-dark hair fluttering as he dodged around the irate dragon slayer and darted for the window. Throwing the window open, he hopped out and took off down the street, only pausing for a moment to turn and give Natsu a cheeky grin.

"See you at the train station, flame brain! Won't it be so much fun when I tell Erza that you refused to hear me out and that's why you made us miss our train? Don't worry, I'll make sure you have a really nice funeral!"

Natsu groaned and jumped out the window as well, racing for the station and his inevitable demise. It really was too early for shit like this.

* * *

 **Note: ...Happy late April Fool's?**

 **So, I've run across a few stories that refer to Gray as "the raven", presumably in reference to his dark hair, and it gives me a mental image of a bird every time. In retaliation, I decided to write a piece where I refer to Gray _only_ as "the raven" (until the very end), and use deliberately ambiguous language that can be applied to both birds and humans. This might be the closest I've ever come to writing a troll fic lol But I'm a nice troll :)**

 **Anyway, feel free to share at what point you figured out what I was doing, if you care to. Did you know from the very first line? Think that it was Gray all along but he'd been turned into a bird? Figure it out from a specific line? I'm just curious, really. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to lol**

 **emmahoshi: It's pronounced Neh-mah-sin-ee's Elle-uh-gee :) The pronunciation is tricky if you don't know Greek—Mnemosyne is a Greek Titaness. Yeah, I stole the line from Edgar Allen Poe XD No, Natsu was perfectly aware that he was talking to Gray and not a bird lol That's why he wasn't as surprised as you'd think he would be (although I threw the talking-cat card in there to provide another explanation lol). And this is Fairy Tail—people always seem to be sneaking in each other's windows XD**


	2. The Salmon

**Note: Bet you never expected to see this pop up again lol Been a while, huh? If you remember the trolling trick behind the first part, you're going to see where I'm going with this awful quick. And since presumably people will read or remember part 1 first, I didn't try so hard to fool you this time lol But it's still lots of fun!**

* * *

 **The Salmon**

* * *

Gray leaned against the ship's rail and peered over the side to watch the salmon flounder about in the water. He was supremely unimpressed by the sight.

"Quit playing around and get on the boat," he said.

"I can't!" the salmon wailed. "I'm going to drown!"

"You won't _drown_." Gray rolled his eyes. "What, did you suddenly forget how to swim?"

Water splashed and arced through the air in glimmering droplets as the salmon struggled frantically. A strange _glub glub_ sound burbled up from the waves as the salmon's head went under, quickly followed by some wet coughs and sputtering as it broke the surface again. Gray watched in interest. This was possibly the most pathetic showing he had ever seen. The salmon was _drowning_. _Drowning_ , of all things!

"N-no," the salmon croaked, voice thick and breaking as a new round of weak coughing dislodged some more water. "But get me _out_!"

The whole thing seemed silly to Gray. The salmon wasn't very bright, but swimming should pose no problem. One didn't have to be a great genius to swim, and it wasn't like the salmon was injured. Sick, maybe. Injured, no.

Personally, Gray was of the opinion that fighting through one's own struggles built character, and he wasn't inclined to help the salmon at the best of times. Anyway, this job had been annoying and he wasn't happy about being stranded in the middle of the ocean on a boat because he was utterly paranoid that Juvia might be stalking him from amid the waves—you never could tell with that girl—and he wasn't in the mood to deal with nonsense.

It didn't help that the salmon had been a terrible nuisance today, driving Gray to the point of grievous ill-wishing.

He glanced back over his shoulder, but the deck was empty aside from a couple sailors running about. The rest of the team was still belowdecks, finishing up their lunch and fidgeting about impatiently as they waited for the ship to make it back to Hargeon so that they could disembark and go home. Which probably meant that he couldn't count on them to get up here and solve this problem for him in time.

He wondered if they would be very angry at him if he let the salmon drown. Personally, he thought they should be grateful. Everything would be much _quieter_ and less annoying that way. And if they wanted another friend so badly… Well, there were plenty of fish in the sea.

" _Gray!_ "

Gray let out a long-suffering sigh and crouched down. "Come closer, then. If you think I'm jumping into that water for you, you're sorely mistaken."

The salmon was splashing about too frantically to hear the words, but luckily Gray was tall enough to reach when he shoved his arm and half his body out through the large gap between the railing posts. His fingers closed around smooth white scales, and he muttered a curse under his breath at how slippery the water made them.

Still, he held on with grim tenacity and yanked upwards with all his might until he could get a better grip and haul the salmon through the gap and onto the deck. The salmon flopped around on deck like a fish out of water, hacking up water and thrashing about. Gray looked on with faint disgust.

"I can't believe you," he muttered.

"I can't believe you were going to let me drown! And no touching!"

Hard, wet scales slapped Gray's face like a thick, slippery tail, and he fell back with a splutter. "Hey! I was just trying to pull you up, you fool."

"Well, don't touch it!"

Gray pulled himself to his feet with all the dignity he could muster, rubbing at the stinging welt on his cheek. The idiot had gone and done it now.

"You're so pathetic," he said coldly, leaning back against the rail and turning up his nose in disgust as the salmon curled up and moaned in a most pathetic fashion. "I can't believe you fell over the side and nearly drowned yourself for no good reason."

"I don't feel well!"

"It's exceedingly pathetic that you're so seasick that you can't even manage to stay on a boat and can't remember how to swim even once you fall off."

The salmon groaned again. "I wish I'd never come on this stupid boat."

"If wishes were fishes," Gray said unsympathetically.

The groan was even louder this time. "Don't talk about fish."

Gray blinked at the moaning heap for a moment and then tilted his head. "Oh, you aren't _nauseous_ , are you?"

The salmon flopped over and peered upward with a squint. "Don't look at me like that with those beady little eyes of yours."

"…What?"

"When you look at me all predatory like that, it means you're going to be really mean to me."

A sly grin spread over the raven's face as he eyed the salmon in, yes, a very predatory fashion.

"I wonder if Happy will be back soon," Gray said innocently. "He might still be busy chowing down on fish."

"Stop," the salmon moaned.

"Maybe we should have a nice fish fry when we get home. I bet Happy would rather scarf them all raw, scales and all, but I think fish are better cooked, don't you? Mm, fish. Can't you just _smell_ frying fish? Taste them? Yum, yum, yum."

"I'm going to barf," the salmon groaned, flopping about weakly.

The ship rolled and dipped gently beneath their feet, and Gray readjusted his stance automatically to accommodate for the motion as his stomach did a funny little drop and flip. He actually found the sensation almost pleasant, but evidently the salmon did not agree.

"Natsu!" Happy cried, and Gray looked over to see that he and the girls had finally emerged from belowdecks. "Are you hungry yet? There are some really tasty fish!"

The salmon turned positively green around the gills. "Make it stop…"

The boat lurched abruptly and Natsu, still in a heap right by the edge, rolled. His eyes widened in horror as he rolled right over the side again, the scales of his scarf gleaming a bright white in the harsh sunlight before disappearing from view. A loud splash signaled the start of this newest swimming lesson.

Gray folded his arms over the rail and scowled over the side. "Seriously? After all the work it took to haul you out of there the first time?"

"Get me out!"

"Natsu!" The others rushed over in a panic and peered into the water.

Lucy turned to Gray with tearful eyes. "Shouldn't you get him out?"

"Nah." Gray shrugged and propped his cheek on his fist. "Getting himself out will build character."

"I'm drowning!" Natsu wailed, flailing about weakly with a good deal of splashing. Could motion sickness _really_ make him that pathetic even once he was off the boat?

"Drowning builds character too, pinky."

This was finally too much for Natsu, only adding insult to injury.

"For the last time," he cried, "my hair is not _pink_! It's _salmon_!"

* * *

 **Note: I never intended to add anything to this, but a few months ago I was wandering around and it hit me like a bolt of lightning. I mean, if I made fun of calling Gray "the raven" because of his hair, why not poke fun at Natsu's own hair quirk? (Btw, I don't remember if that was ever a running joke in canon? I don't really remember hearing it until I started reading fanfic, and then it popped up everywhere. Either way, it's ready-made ammunition XD)**

 **I almost forgot about this, but I reread it tonight and cracked up and so here it is XD**

 **emmahoshi: I don't remember hearing it in the anime/manga, but it seems to be a running gag in the fandom. I run across it from time to time. Apparently it's too emasculating for Natsu to admit that his hair is pink. *rolls eyes* Lol Gray just wants to see if Natsu will drown XD**


End file.
